I believe it is wise to live under authority. I am talking about healthy authority not someone that commands you as a slave and does things only for their well being but someone that will guide you in wisdom and correct you when needed. I really miss that. A while ago I had a mentor, for just a couple of months, I would meet with this person for coffee and we would talk about life and what things I could do to make it better, also what things I should stop doing in order to not be a mess. It worked, it was just great, him and his wife were awesome to me. But, I didn’t want to be a burden to them and started creating a gap which got even bigger when they got pregnant. I didn’t call. He didn’t call. Communication ended. Mentorship over. This awesome family now are missionaries in Mexico and even though it was a short mentoring time it gave me a good taste of something that I now long for.
My question is: how does this work? What are the boundaries? I really don’t like to be a burden for anyone, which sometimes makes me anti-social. But after experiencing for a while having a mentor I miss it. I believe in the power of accountability, on having someone mature that you trust with situations that you don’t share with everyone. I do have accountability partners that keep me in check but I believe that with mentorship, there is also leadership, there is an authority which is not there with just a friend.
Maybe I’m weird on this but I wouldn’t mind having a mentor invading my life and keeping me in check. I think I need that. When I was in Puerto Rico I didn’t specifically had a mentor but since I was in leadership there was always authority, being in Dallas and not a part of a specific ministry or in leadership I don’t feel a lot of covering over some areas of my life. I mean, the Church I go to is awesome but it has been hard for me to connect with someone that I can just flat out tell them: Would you be by mentor? I’m not even sure if that’s the way to go about it. Maybe people are too busy. People have families, jobs, ministries and other problems, how can they possibly have time to mentor someone?
I don’t know I am just rambling but I want your input. What has your experience been? Do you have a mentor? Do you mentor someone? Can a mentorship be long distance by using today’s technologies?
What would you suggest to a person that is looking for a mentor?
I long for the same thing. I think it's definitely a great thing to have. I might have to see if my pastor would be interested in doing it for me. I had someone who used to do it as well, but our church had a split. Crazy story… As for the long distance thing I think it could be done. There's something about getting together in person though. But, everything else is done on the internet now. Good stuff man.
Yeah it would be interesting to give it a try online but doing it in person kinda feels like the right way to go about it.
Since I don't have any specific mentoring me right now I find it hard to add some thoughts but I'll try. I'd share this advice…stop looking for a mentor and just look for someone to meet with consistently. What if someone walked to you, you hardly know the person, and said, “I want you to mentor me.” I think you would have 2 thoughts: I have no time for that, I have nothing to offer anyone. It is such a loaded statement. But what if you said, “you are a person I really respect and would love to be able to get together at some point to just chat and learn about you.” And then go from there. That isn't such a loaded statement and lets mentoring be a little more natural instead of such a formal procedure.
I like what you said about trying to meet with someone without specifically calling it a mentor and take it from there. Good Stuff.
Personally I hope some day to have a mentor again. I have plenty of people I respect and look up too, put not like a mentor. I had one once but I always felt like she was too busy and I was just another student that she just agreed to see, but really had not genuine care for me and my walk with God. So now I attend Church, talk to my BFF and husband. Counceling has helped too. Its actually interesting cause you talk to a stanger about personal stuff and they help you see things that others would not. I too long for a true mentor in my life. I myself mentor a couple of girls and I hope to be there for them each time they need me. I am learning from them too. Pretty awesome!
Hey! Here are a few thoughts from me and my husband.
First, we love that you are thinking about this so seriously. This is why I love you
As a woman, I am really impressed that you are doing this while you are still single… that's when it matters most! You're working ahead on blessing your marriage, I promise!
So, we don't know anything about your church or your christian circle but I would suggest that you start by praying about, and talking with friends about who is currently in your circle. If you aren't in a specific ministry or small group get in one. The best mentorships develop organically out of relationships/friendships. Don't let anyone push you in to a young singles small group if that isn't what you're looking for. It drives me nuts when churches assign small groups by “stage of life” only.
Anyway, be patient and don't be afraid to ask. Give people an opportunity to say no.
I know that isn't a lot of advice but it's all we've got right now. If I think of anything else I'll email you
Let me know if you have specific questions.
Love you!
Thanks Nicole and husband
Great stuff.
I do not have a “mentor” but I meet with a Men's Group and I have a really great relationship with those guys but with one of the guys in particular, I have a good bond with him. I think it's important, but with that it's kind of an awkward thing to say, HI! BE MY MENTOR…please….Long distance mentoring I think would be okay, I guess if you used Skype or something else with 'face-to-face' video or whatever.
Honestly man, you're right, it is wise to live under authority. Maybe if you don't have anything that jumps out at you for ideas on mentors, I would search local churches maybe to see if there's some guys meeting up, even though you have a good church home.
I like the idea of being a part of a group with strong relationships. I think that would be a very good way to go about it.
Hey! Here are a few thoughts from me and my husband.
First, we love that you are thinking about this so seriously. This is why I love you
As a woman, I am really impressed that you are doing this while you are still single… that's when it matters most! You're working ahead on blessing your marriage, I promise!
So, we don't know anything about your church or your christian circle but I would suggest that you start by praying about, and talking with friends about who is currently in your circle. If you aren't in a specific ministry or small group get in one. The best mentorships develop organically out of relationships/friendships. Don't let anyone push you in to a young singles small group if that isn't what you're looking for. It drives me nuts when churches assign small groups by “stage of life” only.
Anyway, be patient and don't be afraid to ask. Give people an opportunity to say no.
I know that isn't a lot of advice but it's all we've got right now. If I think of anything else I'll email you
Let me know if you have specific questions.
Love you!
I haven't had a mentor in years, but it is something I miss greatly. The friendship, accountability, and the ability to look up to someone is a great thing to have in your life, and it also keeps you in check. If you can find someone that is goig to know your struggles, and then ever week ask you if you were strong… that is powerful.
Yeah, that's what I'm looking for.
You are not weird on this. I have the same desire and hope that i can find a mentor.
That has lead me to actually start a project called the mentor me project where I am looking to connect everyone to a mentor.
I see this as a huge huge need in and out of the church and people are really desiring a mentor to guide them but more importantly tell them that they have some meaning and purpose.
Man, your project sounds like a great idea, I hope it blossoms to be a great tool to connect people.
Thanks dude, I am excited about it.
Been doing a lot of reading and research and now am getting to start the writing process as well as some speaking.
I am going to be putting up a survey tomorrow here: http://thoughtsaboutnothing.com
if you would like to help with some more research.
first, i love that you want a mentor. i see so many people thinkin they dont need anyone. but we do. we were created for fellowship…and in that fellowship often times comes instruction, guidance, leadership, correction, advice, wisdom. thing is…you can get that with or without a “mentor” in a trusted friend perhaps? a mentor is defined as an experienced and trusted adviser. who is that person in your life? is it someone in your town? is it someone on line? a person that you are already, obviously, an acquaintance with?
i love having people im accountable to. its a very important aspect of friendship for me. when i dont have it i feel less inspired and structured, quite honestly. i mean, i have it within my family…with my husband…but having it with a friend, an outside source, is different – its good.
anyhoo…you asked about boundaries, what they are? im not sure…i guess you cant look at a mentor as a counselor – someone expected to carry anothers baggage or expected to have all the answers. when you say “boundaries” thats what i think of…someone who has crossed that line. i know for me, in mentoring others, i have ended up being overwhelmed with their expectations of me. and if i didnt give them the “right” answers it got real shaky. it can be heavy.
all this to say…there has to be a trust and respect. not only a respect of each other, but of the mentors time…a common courtesy. i think if that is assumed, boundaries wont have to be put in place.
This is great Tam, thanks a lot for your input. It helps to see other people's perspective on things like this, it helps me to know what to look forward too. Thanks!
http://www.aunitedworld.org/mentor.asp – Check out the Pass it Forward Movement!
Rand-
I agree with Nicole that you need to start looking for a mentor within your current community. I firmly believe that accountability is a by product of community and can't be done stand alone. Specifically looking for a mentor might mean that you single out someone who you would like to mentor you and you go to them and ask them to step into that role for you. If they say yes, then any worries about their time or their family or whatever need to go away on your part.
It is not up to you to set boundaries for your mentor. It is their responsibility to set boundaries on their time, etc. I often lived in isolation before I knew how to set boundaries for myself and allowed others to set boundaries for themselves.
Rather than fret too much over finding a mentor, trust that God already has someone in mind for you and will make that known when it is time.
Traylor
This is great information, thanks a lot Traylor.
Rand , I spent 2 hours doing a treatise on and about mentors. Unfortunately this format “add new comment” was not displayed and I sent it to you as an Email. In essence I said 1). It is usually the mentor who initiates the process because they percieve aptitude, talent and potential in the potential mentee. 2).Those seeking a mentor must posture themselves, often emulating a role model, hoping that a potential mentor will recognize them. Note: Most people do not have mentors, but do have role models, e.g. Jesus Christ. Although a mentor can play an invaluable role in the mentee's sucess, it is possible that one who has never had the good fortune to have a mentor, might prove to be the best mentor ever. Get it? I define a mentor as: A person who has the cumulative knowledge and experience that can facilitate the success of another person in dealing with the challenges and achieving the goals related to a mutually shared objective(s). A successful mentor is one who clearly has had a positve impact on the life of the mentee. I have only had one mentor in my 65 years, Dr. Jean Littlefield,PhD (RIP), who provided me with challenges, responsibilities, guidance and wisdom; most valuable lesson: Always operate from a position of strength!
I've mentored many people in my lifetime. My most significant “mentee” , having the longest tenure, since he is still in need of gentle coaching and guidance even after almost 30 years, is my beloved Son, Rand, but hey, what a learning curve it has been! God Bless you Son! Dad
Dad, I loved your comment and your email about this. Thanks.
Tyler , right on!! Your statement is a reality check, I mean I've never seen business cards that stated “mentor” nor classified ads either. Believe it or not “destiny” plays a key role in “Mentoring”. I've only had one mentor in my life and she “made a difference” I'd love to have had Warren Buffet as a mentor 30 years ago, the difference would be measured in $millions”. If one doesn't have a mentor the next best step is a role model! (See what 65 years of experience/wisdom will do for you?)
This is great information, thanks a lot Traylor.
Dad, I loved your comment and your email about this. Thanks.